Anxious

I don't usually blog on a Sunday night, but I'm feeling anxious and decided that blogging would help me relax. I don't even know what is making me feel so anxious- I'm concerned about a lot of little things and right now they are all adding up and making me feel stressed. There is a personal issue that's bothering me, so some of the stress from that transfers over to work. It's funny- work is stressful, particularly fundraising, but it is always the place that I go when there are personal issues that bother- family things, relationship issues- whatever it is, work can be such a source of comfort. I focus on a constant series of tasks and other problems start to melt away. Sometimes, feeling hurt and angry has even been a good motivator- I've thrown myself into work in order to feel better and that has lead to some significant accomplishments. It's kind of the same reaction that I have when people tell me that I can't do something or doubt my ability to have Project Smile grow- it makes me dig deeper and work harder. It's not about my being stuboorn or bullish behavior- I always listen to advice and the good advice that I've received over the years has been very valuable. I would be the first to say that there are a lot of things that I don't know, but if there is one thing that I know, it is that there is a way for Project Smile to become a national charity and I will find that way.

Someone was talking to me recently about compromise and putting personal dreams on hold- now, I compromise all the time- I negotiate, I find ways around obstacles and I do things that I don't necessarily want to do in order to help others, but as far as putting my personal dream on hold- there is no compromise on that one and there never will be. If I put my dream on hold, a part of me would die and I owe it to myself to never let that happen. I've been doing Project Smile since I was 23 years old, it is one of the very few jobs that I've ever cared about and it is the only job that I've loved, Project Smile has given me moments in my life that I never thought would be possible and I know there will be even more to come. I have taken PS from nothing but a name in a crummy school notebook with a purple cover to working with 142 police/fire departments in New England and having events that can bring over 700 kids/parents to- in just 4 years of full time work. PS is deeply personal- I have had the biggest highs with this job and I have been through very dark times. I am very proud of what we've done and I am even prouder of where we are going to go. Unless I am dead or seriously disabled, the sun will never rise on a day where my dream is put on hold.

Anyways, enough on that subject. It was on my mind last night and today, it feels better to write about it. I also feel that I need to do more outside activities- I love hanging out with my friends and spending time with my family, but I do have other interests as well and I want to spend more time developing them. It is hard though to find the extra time as well as the money that is usually associated with other pursuits.

Well, I need to go and write my list- I can't believe it is December 1. I also need to figure out what I'm cooking for New Food Monday tomorrow- I think soup needs to be involved somewhere and no chicken or turkey- I need a break. I was watching a show tonight- a wedding show actually- and it gave me some ideas that we could incorporate in the Valentine's event, so I want to discuss them with the event planner tomorrow. She got an awesome venue on board to donate their space as well as food, so I want to make sure that we utilize the venue to their fullest potential. I like to watch different shows and read lots of magazines, papers, online articles because it gives me ideas for events and fundraising and marketing.

OK- heading to bed, it is 12:37 and I'm trying to stay on that bed before 1am thing- so hard though! I also wanted to write about my trapeze adventure, but I'll do that tomorrow. Good night friends...